Gay Pirates to Stomp On Gay Spiderman
Regardless of the female love interests in each of the Pirates of Caribbean and Spiderman franchises, seriously, the lead characters are likely gay. Johnny Depp does his best Prince impersonation throughout, but without the cool guitar playing. Tobey Maguire seemed pretty hetero in the first 2 Spiderman movies, but in the 3rd, well, not so much, and not so good, either.
Warning: there may be spoilers within. But you’re likely going to be snoozing through a bunch of Spiderman 3 so it won’t likely make any difference, in fact you could see this as a public service–I felt compelled to stay awake throughout the flick, although it would have been really tough without the giant frozen drink and pound of Junior Mints.
So yeah, I saw Spiderman 3 (the ‘3′ is for “third rate”) today, and was not impressed. It’s Marvel comics if produced by the Lifetime channel. Peter Parker cries… several times. He gets big help in the final battle scene from his way-too-chipper best friend. You know they are best friends, because when Spidey’s crying, he says they are “BEST friends”. I almost though he was going to pull out a “B.F.F.” locket through the weeping. And yes, Kirsten Dunst is in a lot of scenes. If her face doesn’t make you consider going gay, I don’t know what would. At least they got her to brush her teeth this time, although she’s still got the choppers of some malnourished woodland creature.
On the bright side, there is a choice moment when Peter Parker looks skyward and says the Sandman’s first name, “MARCO!” Which, I must confess, is an awesome time to yell out “POLO!” which was of course what I did. I’m a laugh riot in a theater! Look, I grew up in Detroit, we yell shit at the screen, it’s just how we roll.
So in addition to crying (about his girlfriend dumping him, people dying, flashbacks of people dying from the earlier movies, wondering if his new black spidey suit makes him look fat, etc.) there is a scene that apparently got picked up off The Mask’s cutting room floor. Seriously, it is WAY out of place, and silly, and doesn’t work. Peter Parker playing piano! Peter Parker dancing modern jazz! Give me a fucking break… swing from some lightpoles and kick some ass… and no need for spirit fingers or Astaire footwork while you’re doing it.
Stan Lee gets his couple lines, too, gee, nice cameo, did you realize your hair looked like you just got a $5 haircut from a blind barber? Sadly, the best part of the flick was the Bruce Campbell cameo, which was totally unbelievable but fit in with the tone of the other movies and was well-executed. Always good to see B.C., even without his boom stick.
So… one summer disappointment down, on to the next thing. Pirates had better kick some serious high seas booty. (See what I did there, because “booty” is what Pirates covet, and also a slang term for “ass”. Damn I’m clever!)
), I’m planning a new project: visit and review every restaurant within walking distance of our place, in 2006. Actually as we’re contemplating looking to buy a house, and there’s almost zero chance of us affording something in our current ‘hood, maybe the goal should be within 6 months. That’s the plan anyhow. The first step for organized people might be to make a list of all the eateries within that radius (say, .5 mile)… but that’s no fun. We’ll just keep going places, until we exhaust the possibilities. Now, there is a very real possibility that this will make my plan to cut down on what I eat more difficult, but I’m willing to take on that challenge, in the name of science… or food criticism… or, just in the name of enjoying life!